Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Raw Guilt

I want this to work so badly. I can't seem to give up on trying to have a business. For years I've tried different ideas for businesses. I've had a lemonade stand, headed up mulch sales, started a brief business that sold bellydancing/gypsy clothing at Renaissance Festivals, outlined plans for a bookstore, then a historical pattern & fabric shop and there's more. I used to have a notebook of ideas and plans, big and small. Some practical and others just for pure fun.

All of these things and ideas run around in my head everyday and I don't have enough time to write them down or get them all out. And it breaks my heart that everything around me holds me down so much. I'm always fighting to climb to the next small ledge and rest for just a small second.

But I work a "9-5" job. So 90% of my day is spent away from my craft, away from my business. I know there are other people out there that struggle with this too. Working moms, stay at home moms, people who've lost their jobs and NEED to make the income. Lots of people. I'm not that different, but I just have this undying "need" to make this business work!

I want to be at home, in my own sanctuary just working on Tumus & Pinpinn. I don't have time to have this job (my real one) and that raw guilt weighs heavily most days. I can't bear the thought of leaving Chris to support us, solely with his income. It doesn't seem possible. Or is it? Am I just telling myself we can't do this because it wouldn't be fair to him? To make him go to work while I "sit at home"? Or am I just afraid that we'd loose something (like our house or the car) if we suddenly couldn't make ends meet? People find ways to make things work all the time with only one income and a mortgage. Why can't I just be "okay" with that thought?

arrgh! It makes me want to punch walls sometimes thinking I can't leave here because other people in my life might suffer more just so I could have a tiny piece of a dream.

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